“The ex- then decided to stuff it all up. Harassment, sexual assault, verbal assault, threats, you name it. The kids were taken again.”
– Parent, Bring Them Home, Keep Them Home research
– Parent, BTHKTH research
Mother blaming happens when child protection systems place the blame and responsibility on women experiencing domestic and family violence (DFV) and do not hold the perpetrator accountable for using violence. It means that the whole situation is not looked at and mothers are unfairly blamed for the impact of domestic violence on their children, even though child protection and other services often can’t keep the same women and their children safe (SNAICC Family Matters Report, 2024).
Mother blaming looks like mothers being told to fix things, when it was the man who broke it. To calm down the kids when it was the man who scarred them. To protect the kids when it is the man making the kids and the mother unsafe. It doesn’t see the mother as a victim / survivor. It blames mothers for the choices of men. In child protection systems, it can look like a caseworker putting responsibility on the mother to address her partner’s violence, by asking you to participate in DFV counselling or programs but not involving the father in trying to stop or prevent the partner from using violence. It could also look like DCJ deciding to remove your child due to a “failure to protect” your child from someone using violence. It is by continuing to use the partner’s failure to engage with DCJ or the Court process and say that restoration is not possible because “we don’t know what he is going to do,” rather than look at all of the positive changes a victim/survivor might have made. One mother has said:
“Well, the narrative on the interim removal is what they went with – it was that I was not protective because I wasn’t able to recognize the red flags in the relationship. That is was what the narrative for the removal was.”
– Parent, Bring Them Home, Keep Them Home research
Workers who use mother blaming believe that a mother is entirely responsible for protecting her children from violence, even though they are victims of abuse (Strega et al. 2008). There is little to no holding the perpetrator accountable for using violence, and they don’t expect perpetrators to stop using violence. It is instead the mother’s responsibility to address it. One mum said:
“They called a meeting with myself and [baby]’s father. I had to sit there with the FACS worker and tell her that – how do I say it now? I’ve been doing this counselling and I take full responsibility of what’s happened with my children, and I take full responsibility of the DV. I acknowledge everything. I’m their mother, I should have protected them. But that’s where I stopped. I was just in tears and I was crying that much I was choking. Her father had to actually tell them to stop, to give me a minute because it was like I couldn’t breathe. The FACS worker turned around to me and said, thank you, that’s what we’ve been waiting to hear.’”
– Parent, Bring Them Home, Keep Them Home research
Aboriginal parents have said that mother blaming is a common approach that caseworkers use in the child protection system. It leads to mothers experiencing more surveillance and judgement from DCJ than DFV perpetrators themselves (Strega et al. 2008). The system makes you choose a ‘primary’ parent, is who usually the focus of their engagement and surveillance, and is more often the mother. They then have less evidence on the father, even if he is the person using violence. One mum said:
“I didn’t feel supported by any of the workers… in the past all these workers have not worked with me. They’ve worked against me… Everything just went against me as a mother. It was like I was being held accountable for the father’s behaviours. So, I paid the price for it. They didn’t pay the price for it. Not once were they ever put to the front and made held accountable for anything with these children.”
– Parent, Bring Them Home, Keep Them Home research
Mother blaming is a way that DCJ justify child removal most of the time when DFV is involved. Workers might not realise they are mother blaming, but this doesn’t mean they are not responsible for it. Even though DCJ workers should understand DFV, it’s the experience of other parents that they don’t fully understand the dynamics. One mum said:
“As the parent, you get blamed by everybody else in your family, too, who don’t understand domestic violence. My parents’ generation don’t get it, so I had not had the right support I needed emotionally from them, but I did have the right support I needed from them for my girls.”
– Parent, Bring Them Home, Keep Them Home research
In DCJ’s manual ‘Interim Approach to Assessing Risk’ 2024*, it says “when there are concerns about domestic violence, perpetrators may attempt to undermine and discredit the parent/carer by saying they have mental health problems.” If this has happened to you but DCJ are blaming you, you can remind them that this is in their policy. If they bring up concerns about your mental health, remind them that it is his decision to use violence.
Some mums use alcohol and drugs to resist the violence being used against them. DCJ are required to think about this when doing the family-based assessment, in need of care and protection assessment, and measuring change assessment. DCJ’s manual ‘DCJ ‘Interim Risk Assessment’ guide* says they must “consider the intersections with other harm types. (e.g. When there are concerns about domestic violence, the victim-survivor may be misusing alcohol as an act of resistance.) While you may be worried about their behaviour be curious about what purpose the substances may be serving. It is important to understand that the perpetrators behaviours can be contributing to this.”
Remind them that you are not the person using violence and that they need to be working with the person who is. Standard 10.2 of DCJ’s Practice Framework Standards states that practitioners should be “holding a person who uses violence accountable and being clear that a victim of violence is not responsible.”
Ask them what they are going to do to help him to stop using violence and tell them what you think they or others can do to help increase your safety. If they make excuses about not working with him, you can say you will make a complaint, or that you will be supportive of them working with him (if you feel that is okay).
AbSec and our partners acknowledge the Traditional Custodians of Country throughout NSW and their continuing connections to land, waters, and communities. We also acknowledge the lands on which these stories were told, the lands of the Dharawal, Yuin and Wonnarua people.
We acknowledge the Elders, leaders and advocates that have led the way and continue to fight for our children. We also acknowledge the Stolen Generations who never came home and the ongoing impact of government policy and practice on Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander children, young people and families.
This website shares the experiences and advice of Aboriginal families involved in the NSW child protection system who participated in the Bring Them Home, Keep Them Home research at UNSW. We acknowledge and thank the families who generously gave permission to share their stories.
These experiences reflect what worked for those families and do not constitute advice or views of AbSec. AbSec recommends seeking independent legal advice for your own circumstances.
